The New Criterion

Some nights, can’t sleep, I draw up a list,
    Of everything I’ve never done wrong.
To look at me now, you might insist
    My list could hardly be long,
But I’ve stolen no gnomes from my neighbor’s yard,
Or struck his dog, backing out my car.
Never ate my way up and down the Loire
    On a stranger’s credit card.

I’ve never given a cop the slip,
    Stuffed stiffs in a gravel quarry,
Or silenced Cub Scouts on a first camping trip
    With an unspeakable ghost story.
Never lifted a vase from a museum foyer,
Or rifled a Turkish tourist’s backpack.
Never cheated at golf. Or slipped out a blackjack
    And flattened a patent lawyer.

I never forged a lottery ticket,
    Took three on a two-fo ...

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